


Before and After

by J_33



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Cap 2, F/M, Two-Shot, romanogers - Freeform, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:35:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2195505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_33/pseuds/J_33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Steve left Natasha back in the training facility in New Jersey when Hydra blew it up?</p><p>(kind of Natasha as Winter Soldier AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> Been working on this for over a month. It was meant to be a one-shot, but because of uploading difficulties I've decided to make it a two shot. 
> 
> ENJOY!!!

_"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."_ \-- Harvey Dent

_***_

He could hear voices in the distance, and it wasn’t just because of his enhanced hearing. They were close – SHIELD was close, Hydra was close, but aren’t those two of the same things? Like a trick penny that only reads tails.

 

Steve’s body ached from trying to protect Natasha from the crumbling walls all around once the missile hit. It was a trap, Zola had said so himself, well the computer with Zola’s brain said so – this was all so confusing. Even at his super soldiered state, his brain was still having trouble processing all this new information so fast. He really wished Natasha would wake up, she was the best at that. She would be able to put her emotions aside, and figure this out, come up with a plan, and set him up on a date in the meantime. But here, right now, she was out cold, and the footsteps were getting louder.

 

He was Captain America, he was supposed to be able to save everyone, but that was a lie. It was hard to find the truth these days. Fury was dead, the only man that might have had the slightest clue to what the hell this mess really was, and how to put an end to it. Steve needed to find the Winter Soldier, he needed to leave now. He could hear Rumlow’s voice, he could barely hear Natasha’s breathing.

 

He picked up his shield and he left.

 

***

 

Natasha remembered an explosion, the flash of red, white, and blue, but then nothing. Everything was blank. For a second she thought that SHIELD would get her out of this one, but then she remembered that there was no SHIELD, and that Fury was dead.

 

 _Regimens fall every day, I try not to weep over that, I’m Russian, or I was,_ then why did she keep picturing his lifeless body cold on a metal table.  _Don’t do this to me, Nick,_ but he already did.

 

There was a pounding in her head, but when she tried to move, she found that her hands were strapped down to something. A chair? Panic rose up in her gut, as she started to struggle. She heard the familiar sound of guns being loaded and pointed at her, so she froze, and slowly opened her eyes. Everything was dark, then blurry, but when her vision finally cleared, her only thought was, _Shit._

 

“Good morning, Agent Romanoff,” said the nonchalant voice of Andrew Pierce, as if she wasn’t bound to a chair, as if people she used to work with weren’t pointing guns at her right now. “I assume you have some questions; I do to, but ladies first.”

 

“You killed Fury,” she said through clenched teeth.

 

“Ahh, well that was the Winter Soldiers doing, I just planned it,” he said with a twisted smile.

 

“He trusted you,” she stated.

 

“That’s why it was so easy to get away with it. You see Nick and me go way back, but he was getting too close to my plan, to Hydra, and we don’t let anything get in our way,” he said gesturing to her.

 

“If you’re gonna kill me just do it already,” she said angrily.

 

“Natasha – may I call you Natasha? How about Nat? Captain Rogers seemed very fond of that nickname,” Pierce said, and her heart sank. “You and him were friends, were you not?” he asked.

 

“We were partners, nothing more. I trusted him—“

 

“But did he trust you? You are the great Black Widow, you eat men like him for breakfast, yet I saw the way he looked at you. With admiration, respect, maybe even something more, but trust was not on the list, I mean if you were such good friends, then why are you here right now, instead of him? Never leave a man behind, isn’t that what they teach you in the army?”

 

“Whatever he did, I’m sure he did it for a reason,” she said, less strong then she would have hoped.

 

“I’ll make you a deal. Tell me where Rogers is, and I’ll let you go, hell I’ll even give you a promotion, but I promise you everything else will be worse.”

 

“Go to hell,” she shouted, earning a back hand across her face.

 

Her eyes stung, but she was determined to not show any weakness. He didn’t deserve it, Hydra didn’t deserve it.

 

In the background she could hear the electric sound of machines being turned on. “Fury spoke highly of you, and I really hoped you were smarter than this,” Pierce said.

 

She could feel hands all over her body. People were putting stickers with wires attached to them on her head. Someone tightened the restraints on her wrists, and ankles, and then attached one across her chest right below her rib cage. It wasn’t until she saw Pierce pick up what looked like a mouth guard, that her blood ran cold.

 

“I’ve read your file Agent Romanoff. I know what they did to you back at the KGB, or should I say the Red Room. Your SHIELD issued phycologist said experiments had been done on your brain, memories had been wiped, false ones added. Some would call it brainwashing, but I like to call it reprograming,” Pierce said while putting the mouth guard into her mouth. “I bet you wake up from nightmares of things you may have done, crimes you may have committed, horrors you may be responsible, but you don’t know if any of it is true. With a push of a button I can make that ten times worse, so ask yourself, ‘Would you die for Steve Rogers?’”

 

 _"Your world in the balance, and you bargain for one man?"_ she heard Loki saying in her ear.

 

Natasha didn’t answer, she just closed her eyes, and dug her nails into her palms with enough force to draw blood.

 

 _He would die for me_ , she thought.

 

“Welcome to Hydra,” said Pierce, right before typing something on a computer. “You’re going to feel a little pinch.”

 

***

 

It felt like a thousand needles were stabbing her skin everywhere. She was on fire, yet she was stuck in ice. She couldn’t move, and there was the almost blinding light everywhere around her that shocked her head every time she moved.

 

***

 

She screamed until her voice went hoarse, and her lips dry, but the pain didn’t stop.

 

***

 

She tried to think of anything to take the focus off the jolts of electricity racing through her body. She tried to think of Clint, and Steve, but the longer she did, the harder it became to remember their faces, their voices, and soon enough their names slipped her mind completely.

 

***

 

There was so much blood on her hands that all she could see was red.

 

Training. Learning. Killing. Kill.Kill.Kill.KILL!

 

***

 

_I am Natasha Romanoff, agent of SHIELD. Wait no, my name is Natalie Alianovna Romanova, Russian ballerina, soviet spy – that can’t be right._

 

The light grew so bright her head wanted to explode.

 

***

 

_The Black Widow does not feel. You are the Black Widow._

 

The light suddenly stopped.

 

***

 

“Everyone’s trying to kill me,” Steve said, as soon as Sam opened the door to his house.

 

His clothes were covered in dirt and grime from the explosion, and his body was tired from being on the run.

 

 _When on the run, walk don’t run,_ Natasha had said back at the mall. That had only been a few hours ago, but it felt like a lifetime. He didn’t even know if she was still alive.

 

Sam invited him into the house, and Steve cleaned up in the bathroom. He couldn’t stop feeling like he was getting another person involved in a war that wasn’t their fight.   He washed the grime off his arms, and neck, and then his face. The cloth rubbed his lips, the same lips that Natasha had kissed not too long ago while on an escalator. Would that be the last time?

 

_Who do you want me to be?” she asked._

_How bout a friend,”_ _Steve replied, but did he want something more?_

 

Was it too late to even think like that? Was it his fault?

 

***

 

She didn’t know where she was. Everything was dark, and every thought wasn’t her own. She knew that her handlers at the Red Room would punish her for getting captured, but did she still work for them? Her head hurt – something wasn’t right, but then again, it never was in her line of work.

 

“Welcome back Widow,” said a voice, but she didn’t recognize it.

 

“Кто ты? Что вы хотите от меня?” _Who are you? What do you want from me,_ she spoke in fluent Russian.

 

“My name isn’t important. Just know that right now you work for Hydra, and we’re giving you a mission,” Pierce said.

 

“And what would that be?” she asked, switching back into English, no Russian accent evident at all.

 

“I need you to eliminate Captain America.”

 

“Why would I do that?”

 

Pierce paused, frustration clear on his face. “Put her under, there’s more work to be done, and this time don’t stop until you get it right!” he shouted.

 

Everyone started rushing around. She couldn’t comprehend why these people were so scared of the man giving the orders. She has killed men half his size.

 

What was going on here?

 

***

 

The bright light was back, but it was worse this time. The buzzing of a machine starts, and grows louder by the second, soon overshadowing the strange voices in the room. The voices quickly become fainter, turning into nothing more than whispers, and it takes too much energy trying to listen, and stay alert, so she closes her eyes, and tries not to forget to breathe, while she unconsciously forgets everything else.

 

***

 

Nothingness. That was all she had to hold onto. There were no memories, only training, and talent to keep her grounded now.

 

Deep down something in her ached, but that didn’t matter. Her only purpose now was to serve. Get the mission, complete the mission, and let nothing stand in her way.

 

 _Terminate Captain America,_ her next mission, and she wouldn’t let anything get in her way.

 

***

 

SHIELD was Hydra, Hydra was SHIELD, but who was Steve? Was there a man under the mask? Or just a soldier who never quite made it back home. It was days like this that gave him the chills, that made him feel like he was back in the ice, trapped, forgotten, useless; as the world went to flames around him, he lay frozen in place.

 

Trust used to be like a coupon – easy to give out, and you always got a deal, but it was turning into something else, something darker. When had the simple things in life become so rare? When had people stopped being able to trust others, when had people become so untrustworthy? Is trust just another way to say twisted lie? Had a life insurance become a life sentence?

 

Natasha would know the answer, and even if she didn’t, she’d pretend that she did.  _I only act like I know everything, Rogers._   She had said that when he went back to the hospital Fury had died in to get the hard drive. He had just been attacked in an elevator by people he once worked with, people he once _trusted,_ but that had all stabbed him in the back. He was even starting to doubt Natasha, and he didn’t know what would be worse. Finding out she was Hydra, or blaming her for being hydra, but being wrong? She would never forgive him, he would never forgive himself, so he prayed to God that she was on his side.

 

He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in after finding out she wasn’t Hydra. There was still hope.

 

Now driving with Sitwell in the backseat, and Sam at the wheel, he couldn’t help but feel like the hope was running out.

 

***

 

She was watching them.  _Kill Target, and anyone that gets in your way._ There was a man in the backseat. He was talking too much, he was just another information leak – he’d be the first to go.

 

Then the fun could really start.

 

***

 

It all happened so fast. The flash of red when Sitwell got thrown from the car, the gunfire, the car flipping over.

 

Steve pulled Sam from the flying car, and landed curled up on the car door, as it slid through the street, finger nails scraping a chalkboard following.

 

He got up in a rush, grabbing his shield, and nothing else. He looked up, and saw that flash of red, but Hydra was already shooting at them, so he turned away, and started fighting.

 

People were screaming, and running for their lives. Everyone was in danger just because people wanted him dead. He dove through a bus, as the machine gun rattled on. The glass from the now shattered windows, bit at his skin, but he wasn’t going to let that slow him down. Steve lunged for his shield, running out of the bus towards the man with the machine gun. The bullets ricocheted off the shield, but he pushed through it, eventually slamming it into the man, seizing the gunfire.

 

There were cars blowing up in the distance, and so much blood.

 

Steve was searching for Sam who had been taking out Hydra sniper style, but was suddenly attacked from behind. He punched and got punched, was almost stabbed a few times. He was strong, but this person was fast. He’d get a blow down, but another one would come out of nowhere.

 

Legs were around his neck in an instant choking him, but Steve was able to get the body off of him, and flung to the ground. Just then was he able to get a clear look at her face. Same red hair, except it was curlier. Same face, more bruises, same lips, less color, but different eyes. They were filled with anger, and pain, and lacked their green tint. It was almost like the person wasn’t inside the body.

 

Jaw dropped, eyes widen, heart throbs, “Natasha?” he said more as a plead then a question.

 

“Who the hell’s Natasha?” she said, voice deep, and threatening.

 

Gun raised, pointed at him, but he couldn’t do anything. Steve stood frozen in shock, frozen in guilt, and just like that he was back in the ice – completely helpless. Sam came out of nowhere, soaring down from the sky kicking her to the ground. There was an explosion filling his vision with smoke, and when it finally cleared, she was nowhere to be seen.

 

“On your knees, Cap,” Rumlow said, with his gun raised, the rest of the Strike Team behind him.

 

Steve obliged without a complaint, not because he wanted to give in, but because he didn’t know what he was fighting for anymore.

 

“What did you do to Romanoff?” he asked Rumlow, all the emotion gone from his voice.

 

“You left her, and she realized what side she really wanted to be on,” he said.

 

“She would never help Hydra, she was good,” Steve muttered, hands shaking.

 

“Sometimes all we need is a little push to get us moving in the right direction,” Rumlow stated with a smirk. “I always knew there was something going on between the two of you. It was either you or Barton, hell, knowing her, it was probably the both of you.”

 

“Go to hell,” Steve said, anger lacing his voice.

 

He felt the butt of a gun against the back of his head, but he didn’t care if they pulled the trigger. Planes flew through the sky, probably reporters trying to get the first video of his execution.  _Captain America, National Icon Gone Fugitive Shot and Killed Today._

 

“Not here,” he heard Rumlow whisper to the man holding the gun to his head.

 

They handcuffed him, and Sam in some ridiculously strong, and thick binds, and led them to a black van. Inside, there were two guards, heavily armed, awaiting them. They were seated, and quickly the van took off, but it didn’t matter where they were going. Steve couldn’t stop picturing her empty face in his head.

 

_It’s all my fault._

 

***

 

“The man on the bridge, I knew him,” she said to Pierce.

 

She was back in that horrid basement, but somehow, she knew to just accept it. The thing she couldn’t accept was the fact that the face she saw, Captain America’s face, she recognized it from somewhere, and it wasn’t just from seeing it in a picture, or something like that. She _knew_ him.

 

“You saw him on a mission a few weeks ago,” Pierce stated firmly.

 

“But I KNEW him!” she shouted, feeling something ache inside her.

 

Maybe it was the urge to find out the truth, like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t seem to get it out. She didn’t know what was coming over her, but she knew him, and by the look on his face, she knew that he knew her too.

 

Someone pointed a gun at her due to her outbreak, and she snapped, springing off the chair, throwing the man across the room. Pierce came over to her, and slapped her across the face, and she sat back down. She wanted to fight back so badly, but couldn’t, and it was slowly killing her deep down.

 

“Your work has been a gift to mankind,” he said. “You’ve shaped the century, and I need you to do it one more time.”

 

“I knew him,” she whispered in a hoarse voice.  _I know him._

 

“Wipe her,” stated Pierce, and her heart sank.

 

Faces she didn’t recognize started coming up to her, strapping her down in the chair, attaching things to her head. Everyone muscle in her body wanted to protest, but when they put the mouth guard in her mouth, she sat still.

 

The buzzing from the machine started, and her last thought was the same man from the bridge smiling at her, like she said a joke. She just wished she knew how she knew him, and who he was.

 

But who was she?

 

***

 

_They were at some bar in Washington. Steve said something about not being able to get drunk, but Natasha got him a beer anyway._

_“So,” she said sitting back down at the table, handing him his beer. “What’s your deal?” she asked._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Are you batting for the other team, did the ice freeze off your penis? Why won’t you go out with anyone I’ve suggested?” she said, causing him to blush._

_“No, I am not ‘batting for the other team,’ and the ice did not freeze off my--,” he stuttered._

_“Well then why don’t you like any of the girls you’ve been on dates with? You’re an attractive, kind, and intelligent man. I would say young, but that would be a lie,” she said with a grin. “What I’m trying to say is you’re a catch, so stop being so 1940, and just go out there, and start mingling.”_

_“You think I’m attractive?” Steve said with a teasing smile, earning a slap to his arm._

_“Stop trying to change the subject,” she laughed back._

***

 

Somehow Maria Hill had disguised herself as a Hydra employee, and was able to get Steve and Sam out of the van, and into some underground warehouse where Fury happened to be, alive, but not well, though breathing, so that was a start.

 

At first Steve didn’t know how to feel when he first laid eyes on Nick Fury’s very much alive self, greeting him. He felt relieved, a little confused, but relieved none the less that he hadn’t lost another friend. He just wished that he could tell Natasha that Fury was alive. He remembered the way she looked standing over Fury’s ‘dead’ body, and he remembered the way her face looked when he fought her on the bridge – both looked similar.

 

“Where’s Romanoff?” asked Fury, holding his side, as he attempted to sit up in bed.

 

“She –uh, she’s with Hydra,” Steve said, not quite knowing how to phrase it.

 

“I know she was pissed over me ‘dying,’ but not enough to switch sides,” he said.

 

“It’s complicated. We were attacked in New Jersey trying to follow the lead with the hard drive. The missile hit the building, and she was unconscious. People were already on foot looking for us, and I had to leave. I didn’t think I could carry her the whole way. Then I ran into her on the bridge, we fought, but she didn’t seem to know who I was, she didn’t seem to know who she was either,” Steve stated, trying not to relive it.

 

_Who the hell’s Natasha?”_

 

Fury looked shocked, well as shocked as he could look, but there was guilt in his one eye as well. “I promised her when she joined SHIELD that she was going straight, and I promised her that she would be working for the good guys now, but now look where that got her,” Fury said, more to himself than to Steve.

 

“I swear on my life that I will get her back, but first everything needs to go. Hydra, and SHIELD – we wipe the slate clean, but we start with Project Insight,” Steve said, gaining his commanding voice back.

 

_I swear on my life I'll bring you home._

 

***

 

_It was October. There were leaves on the ground, red, orange, and brown one. The sun was just setting, the stars were coming out, and they had just run out of gas._

_“I told you to fill up the tank after we left the hotel,” Steve said, frustrated._

_He was really tired from his ‘time off.’ Natasha called it a ‘much needed vacation.’ They only made a quick road trip up to New York to see Stark, and Steve wanted to visit Brooklyn, and maybe catch a baseball game. They did all of that, and it was fun. He’d never seen Natasha smile so much in so little time, but it was all too bittersweet walking the neighborhood he once lived in 70 years ago, and seeing how much it has changed._

_“Cool it Cap, we’re only an hour out from D.C. and Clint said he would come pick us up,” she said nonchalant. “Meanwhile…” she got out of the car, and laid down on the hood of it, resting her hands behind her head._

_“W-what are you doing?” Steve stammered. Had she been drinking again?_

_“There’s no other cars on the road, the stars are out, so stop being such an old man, and come join me,” she said._

_Steve slid next to her on the hood, hoping he didn’t dent the rental car. They only rented a car because his motorcycle couldn’t fit luggage, and she didn’t want to risk anything happening to her Corvette. Sometimes, Steve swore, she loved that car more than life itself._

_He heard Natasha peacefully sigh besides him. “You know, I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a little kid,” she said, not turning her gaze away from the stars._

_“Why didn’t you?” Steve asked._

_“Things changed, I changed,” Natasha said._

_There was a slight pause of silence before Steve said, “Thanks.”_

_“For what?” Natasha asked, averting her gaze._

_“For forcing me to go back to New York, to go back home, it meant a lot,” he said._

_“Don’t thank me, I just wanted to check out all the new weapons Stark made me,” she said with a laugh._

_Steve smiled, and she looked back up at the stars. As the night went on, he found himself wishing Clint never came._

 

***

 

She got her mission, she got her target, and it was time.

 

Staring at her reflection she saw heavy bags under her eyes, she couldn’t remember the last time she slept. Her red hair was starting to look more and more like blood the paler her skin became, and her eyes – all she saw was a weapon, a tool. Taking her fist, she thrusted it towards the glass mirror, and only stopped a mere inch away from breaking it. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and tried to think of a memory to calm her down, but nothing came. She picked up the gun that was on the floor, and walked out the door, not looking back.

 

 _The Black Widow does not feel_ , then what was the throbbing pain inside her heart?

 

***

 

Everyone knew what they had to do. Steve was going to sneak into the Smithsonian and get his old uniform back, before going to SHEILD Headquarters and switching the chips to stop the helicarriers from doing their job. Sam was going to remain in the sky, keeping a visual, and taking out whoever got in their way. Maria Hill, was going to program the helicarriers into shooting at themselves, instead of innocent people, therefore diminishing Project Insight. Fury would come in later to help wipe the slate clean of any Hydra, and SHIELD factors.

 

It was a solid plan, but there was just one key factor missing.  _Natasha._   Steve knew that she would be there, probably sent to kill him like before, he just hoped it didn’t come to that. He would die if that is what had to be done, but he would make sure that everyone else lived.

 

Standing outside the warehouse, Sam came out to join him. “Not everyone can be saved,” Sam said to him.

 

“Well I have to try,” Steve responded, looking down. “If you had a chance to get your friend back, would you take it?”

 

“In a heartbeat,” Sam said.

 

“Let’s suit up.”

 

***

 

“ _No, no, no, that is not how it works,” Natasha said to Steve, shaking her head._

_She was at his apartment, and they were watching some documentary about sharks. They were s_ _itting in the living room, drinking a beer, eating popcorn, and Steve just had to bring up this topic._

_“You set me up on date, after date, so who’s to say I don’t get to set you up as well?” he pushed._

_“I say so,” she argued back._

_“Tell me, when’s the last time you went on a date, a real date?” he asked._

_She bit her lip, trying to think of the last time she went on an actual date, with an actual guy, that didn’t involve and mission or something, but she came up blank. “Exactly,” said Steve. “You can’t remember.”_

_If she wasn’t so annoyed with him right now, she might have gotten a little worried to how well he can read her. “Well, I’m busy a lot, and I don’t always make the best first impressions,” she said._

_“C’mon, the day I meant you, the world was being attacked by aliens, and you jumped off my shield, and shut off the portal; sounds like a good impression to me,” he responded._

_“That’s different,” she said. “On missions it’s easy because I have a target, and one specific task to do, but in real life it’s like I don’t know who to be, or how to act.”_

_“So what you’re saying is that you can save the world, but you can’t go on a date; that sure is a first,” Steve said laughing._

_“Don’t laugh at me, I’m being serious,” she said like a child._

_“Also a first,” he laughed._

_Natasha threw a handful of popcorn at him. “You keep this up, and I’m making you watch Sharknado next," she threatened, though she couldn’t help but smile._

 

***

 

I know I’m asking a lot, but the price of freedom is high, it always has been, and it’s a price I’m willing to pay. And if I’m the only one, then so be it. But I’m willing to bet I’m not.”

 

***

 

Steve was in the helicarrier. All he had to do was cross the bridge, and switch the cards out. It was all so simple, too simple to ever go as planned.

 

Everything was silent except the echo of his footsteps against the hard, metal floor. He was walking at a steady pace, but he stopped as soon as he saw her, blocking his path at the other end.

 

“People are gonna die, Nat,” he said. “I can’t let that happen,” but she just kept staring at him, like a ghost. “Please don’t make me do this,” his voice cracked, but as much as he wanted her to remember him, and stop fighting, he knew nothing he said would convince her otherwise.

 

Steve took a deep breath, and then like lightning, he threw his shield at her. She deflected it, making it ricochet back into his hands, just in time for her to fire her gun. The bullets went off one after the other, one managing to tear through his left arm, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. Using all his force, Steve slammed his shield into her, causing her to fly to the ground. Natasha was disoriented for a moment, but if anything she just looked angry now. Taking out her knife, she moved towards Steve, but he kept on blocking her jabs. Steve kicked her back, and ran towards the deck with the cards on it, in the center. He hurriedly tried to replace one of the cards, but just when he took it out, she came up behind him. Steve got a punch in, but she got one to his face, just before diving towards him, throwing them both off the balcony. They landed on some ledge. There the fight quickly presumed.

 

They had sparred a lot in the past, but it was nothing like this. This was instinct, and full of rage – it wasn’t meant to educate, it was meant to kill.

 

He was strong, but she was fast, and the card got knocked out of his hand. Steve jumped off after it, but was interrupted by his own shield being thrown at him. He fell down, but was able to shield himself when she started shooting again. Once the shots subsided, he threw his shield at her, but it was to no use. Natasha plunged the knife into his shoulder. Steve head-butted her twice, then ripped the knife out of his arm. She reached for the card that was on the ground. He then dove towards her, using his good arm to grab her throat, and life her off the ground. The card was still in her hand though, so Steve, threw her to the ground. With his one hand still around her kneck, he forced her arm holding the chip, downwards, until he heard the crack of the bone breaking. She kept fighting though, so he put her in a choke hold, until she went unconscious, and the card fell from her hand.

 

Steve jumped back onto the ledge, flipping himself over it, trying to make it to the deck, but he felt a bullet rip through his thigh. Limping, he made his way up the ladder, the bullets just missing him, with thirty seconds left. Just when he was about to put the card in the slot, he heard the all too familiar sound of a gun going off, followed by a burning pain in his abdomen. Steve fell to the floor, his breath coming out as gasped. Looking down, he saw red slowly staining his uniform. With only five seconds left, he pulled himself up, despite the pain, and put the card in the slot.

 

“Target locked,” he managed to choke out.

 

“Okay Cap, get out of there,” said the voice of Maria Hill, but there wasn’t enough time for him to get out, and even if there was, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it.

 

“Fire now,” he said.

 

“But Steve—,”

 

“Do it, do it now!” he yelled into his comm.

 

Leaning on the railing, Steve watched as everything started to explode around him. Fire started to fill his vision, as he watched Natasha get crushed by the falling bridge. He dragged himself over to her struggling form, barely standing upright. Helicopters flew by as he lifted the metal debris up for her to roll out from under.

 

“You know me,” Steve said.

 

“No I don’t!” she responded harshly, slamming her fist into his shield.

 

The force threw him to the ground, but he got up anyway.

 

 _You just don’t know when to quit_ , and it was like he was back there in Brooklyn, just some skinny kid getting beat up in an alley, except no one was there to help him this time.

 

“Natasha,” he said breathing heavily, “You’ve known me for a long time,” but all he earned was a punch to his face.

 

The helicarrier was falling from the sky, but all he could focus on was her. “Your name is Natasha Romanoff--,”

 

“Shut up!” she screamed, throwing all her weight at him.

 

Steve got up again, and ripped off his mask. He could barely stand up. “I’m not going to fight you,” he said, letting go of his shield, as it fell into the fiery abyss down below. “You are my friend,” he finished.

 

Screaming, she dove into him. “You’re my mission,” she said, punching him in the face, one, two, three, four, five, more times than he could count.

 

She raised her arm back, pausing, and Steve whispered, “Then finish it, cause I’m with you till the end of the line.”

 

Natasha’s face filled with horror, and confusion.

 

_The man on the bride, I knew him._

_Who the Hell’s Natasha? Who the Hell’s Natasha? Who the Hell’s Natasha? Who the Hell’s Natasha?_

_Your name is Natasha Romanoff._

_You are my friend. You are my friend. You are my friend. You are my friend._

 

_I’m with you till the end of the line._

 

Something crashed onto the deck, causing Steve to fall from the helicarrier. It all happened in slow motion, yet it wasn’t slow enough to do anything about. He plunged in the water, sinking slowly to the bottom.

 

 

***

 

She dragged the man up from the bottom of the Potomac, leaving him on the shore. She didn’t know if he was alive or dead. She paused over his body. His face was bloody and bruised, his gunshot wounds fresh. All she knew for sure was that she had to go.

 

So she left.

 

***

 

_Steve and Natasha had been sent on a mission to go Afghanistan, and track down a terrorist, who <em>was selling SHIELD information. An agent gone rouge._

_They were in the warehouse waiting for him to show, when gunfire erupted from all over. Natasha_ <em> _got hit in the leg, and Steve hurriedly dragged her behind some metal table. He knelt down next to_ <em> _her to access the wound._

_“We need to get out of here, Steve,” she said through clenched teeth._

_"We’re surrounded, gonna have to wait for backup to arrive,” he said calmly back. “How’s the_ <em>leg?”

_“Been better,” she responded._

_Steve ripped the sleeve off of her jacket, and tied it around her leg, to stop the bleeding._

_“Hey—I liked this jacket,” she said._

_“Well I bet you like this leg more,” he replied._

_“I didn’t spend a hundred bucks on my leg,” she argued back._

_Why were they arguing at a time like this? Steve looked down at her leg, and saw that the sleeve_ <em> _was already soaked in blood: not a good sign._

_“Nat, I think the bullet hit an artery,” he said, in a worried voice._

_“Me too,” she grimaced._

_"Why didn’t you say anything?”_

_“You can’t get mad at me, I’m the one bleeding out here,” she said, with a crooked grin._

_“Now we really need to go,” Steve said, but the gunfire was only getting louder._

_He heard the footsteps of someone get closer and closer to the table they were hiding behind._ <em> _Steve covered Natasha’s mouth with his hand, in order to silence her heavy breathing from the_ <em> _blood loss. After a few seconds passed, he used his shield to knock the guy out, and then he picked_ <em> _up the gun._

_“On the count of three, we go okay?” he said._

_“I’m with you till the end of the line,” Natasha said, and that was all the answer he needed._

_One, two, three, they took off, one of her arms draped around his shoulders, as she painfully limped_ <em> _to keep up. Steve was taking out guys left and right, and thankfully they made it outside where_ <em> _SHIELD was waiting for them._

_Till the end of the line._

 

***

 

When Steve woke up in the hospital he didn’t know what to think. Marvin Gaye was playing in the room, so he assumed Sam was nearby.

 

“On your left,” Steve said, because no other phrase could come close to explaining how much he owed this man.

 

It’s easy to be called a hero, to be just a brave person five minutes longer than the rest, but it’s hard to follow a man into a war, with nothing but hope, courage, and will. Steve didn’t think he’d ever be able to pay back Sam for risking his life for what? Not for SHIELD, not even for America, but for every innocent person out there in the world who couldn’t fight for themselves, and that’s what being a hero is all about.

 

His whole body ached, even with the very, very high dosage of morphine he was on, due to his super soldier metabolism. Steve’s head hurt, his abdomen hurt, his legs, arms, and face hurt too, but laying in that hospital bed, listening to nothing but the music of Marvin Gaye, he realized that his heart ached a little less.

 

Fury wasn’t dead, Hydra was no longer running SHIELD, and Natasha was out there somewhere. He promised that he’d bring her home, and Captain America didn’t break his promises.

 

***

 

_“A mighty pain to love it is,_

_And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;_

_But of all pains, the greatest pain_

_It is to love, but love in vain.”_

― Abraham Cowley


	2. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

_”Once you lose someone it is never exactly the same person who comes back.”                                                        -- Sharon Olds_

 

_***_

 

_Who the hell’s Natasha?”_

 

It had been a week since the fight, since she left. Once free, all she knew was that she couldn’t stay in Washington, but before she vanished for good, she decided to stop in the Smithsonian. And now here she stood, staring at a picture of that man.

 

_You’re my friend._

_You’re my mission._

 

He was a national hero – Captain America. There were pictures of him from back during World War Two, replicas of his uniform, and interviews of people talking about what a good man he was. She couldn’t believe for the life of her, how a man this courageous, honorable, and kind, would ever know her, more or less be friends with her, a person like her.

 

For some reason, she thought that if she could find out more about this man, Steve Rogers, then she could connect some broken puzzle piece in her brain, and miraculously discover who she was, but that wasn’t the case.

 

She stayed there for two hours, wearing a worn, baggy sweatshirt, faded jeans, and a baseball cap, with a logo on it that she didn’t recognize. She read every word on every exhibit that related the slightest bit to Captain America. She listened to every interview, and looked at every sign, and picture, but Natasha Romanoff wasn’t mentioned at all.

_Your name is Natasha Romanoff._

 

Then where the hell was Natasha Romanoff hiding?

 

***

 

She had gone looking for answers, and she found them.

 

After she left Washington, she traveled to Maryland. She was desperate, so she went to the closet mall, and sat down at a computer, inside an Apple Store. She clicked on Google, and searched: Natasha Romanoff. From there, all these links, and sites started popping up.

 

She clicked the first one, and it read: _Natasha Romanoff, also known as Natalia Alianovna Romanova, Natalia Rushmore…   Born in 1984, no exact date recovered. Family deceased. COD: fire. Former employment to KGB. Black Widow training program. Highly trained spy, mercenary, and Avenger. Last known working for SHIELD._

 

There were other links to things like Budapest, Osaka, Battle of New York, and more, but she ran out of the store before she could click on them.

 

Her head was pounding, and faint images of a women with red hair, and a man with soft green eyes smiling down at her kept replaying in her head, followed by their screams, as fire engulfed everything. Then she saw a bunch of little girls with knowledge way past their years dancing to silent music, in worn ballet shoes, but the shoes quickly turned to knives, the music to blood, and the dancing became fighting, as the little girls became women. Soon the one with red hair was the only girl left in the room. The room became an alley way, and there was archer aiming his arrow at her heart, then offering her his hand. She saw a man with an eye patch dressed in all black, a team made up off people from all different worlds, and that man, Steve Rogers. Everything all seemed to come back to him.

 

She had gone looking for her past, but it found her first. Dark vans surrounded her in the mall parking lot, where she had run off to, needing some fresh air. Strange men in suits pointed guns at her, and she put her hands up too tired, and confused to protest.

 

_Who the hell’s Natasha?”_

 

She was still figuring that part out.

 

***

 

They kept asking her the same questions over and over again. _What do you know?_ And she kept telling them the truth over and over again _, Nothing._

 

She was blindfolded, tied to a wooden chair in some damp basement who knows where? They had been interrogated her for days, using various torture techniques to try and weasel the information out of her, but all failed attempts. She was the famous Black Widow, at least according to her Wikipedia page – some amateurs weren’t going to break her.

 

She was already broken anyways.

 

They had just water boarded her, but she refused to give in. One of the man pulled her head back by her hair, and that’s when she’d had enough. Biting him in hand, he yelped out in pain.

 

“You bitch!” he shouted, backhanding her across the face.

 

She then stood up, bashing the wooden chair into his body, freeing herself from it. More guards came over, but she was able to disarm them, even in her weekend state. One got a lucky jab to her ribs, knocking the wind out of her. She then hurriedly ran up the stairs, towards the door, out of the stupid basement. Just when she turned the doorknob, she heard a gunshot, and felt a burning pain in her shoulder, but she kept moving, hyped on adrenaline, and fear.

 

The air was cool outside, and the ground was wet. Her clothes were torn, her body sore, but she kept running because that’s all she knew how to do. After what seemed like miles, the running turned into a jog, then a fast walk, then a walk, and then she was practically dragging herself through the woods.

 

Soon the blue sky turned to black, and her body was shaking so bad, she decided to take a break under a tree. She touched her right shoulder, where the bullet had ripped through, and winced. It was so cold, and all she wanted was a warm blanket. She tried to keep her eyes open for as long as she could, but after a while she let sleep take her because at least there, she could have peace.

 

***

_"UNO!” Natasha shouted._

_It was pouring outside, and there was nothing better to do, so Natasha decided to teach Steve how to play some board games. Steve was okay with Monopoly, Apples to Apples just ended in a mess for both of them, but she was beating him in Uno so bad, it was almost depressing._

_“You have to be cheating,” he whined._

_“Just because I’ve won six consecutive times, doesn’t mean I’m cheating,” she replied._

_“Then tell me your secret,” Steve said._

_“If a magician gave away the secret behind the bird disappearing from the cage, do you think he’d get anywhere in life?” she asked with a grin._

_“First off, you are not a magician,” he said. “And the only thing you make disappear, is all the good beer in my place.”_

_“What can I say, I’m a women with good taste, and it’s not like anyone else is gonna be drinking them with your visitor rates,” she said laughing._

_“Ha-ha, very funny,” he said sarcastically. “Can we just get back to the game?”_

_They did, and Natasha decided to let him win once, out of good faith of course._

 

 

***

 

It was long after midnight when Steve was awakened by a knocking at his apartment door. Still in his striped pajama pants, and a white undershirt, he made his way to the door. Opening it he couldn’t believe his eyes.

 

“Natasha?” he half asked, half prayed that it was her.

 

_Who the hells Natasha?”_

 

She just moaned in response. She was standing upright, but looked like she would collapse at any moment. Her eyes were unfocused, her face was a sickly pale white, and her clothes were soaked in blood, matching her red hair. She was shivering like an earthquake.

 

On cue, her knee buckled, and she fell to the floor. Steve caught her just before her head hit the ground. He lifted her up, and carried her into the bathroom to clean her up. She wasn’t struggling or protesting which made the panic grow in his gut. Laying her in the bathtub, he noticed that she kept whispering something over, and over again. Listening closer, he realized that she was saying “Steve Rogers,” right before she passed out.

 

He cleaned her up, bandaging to bullet wound on her shoulder. She had lost lots of blood, but that wasn’t the main problem. He put his hand to her forehead, feeling the heat that was radiating off of her. Steve didn’t know where she came from, but he guessed that she walked all the way here, and due to the cold temperature outside, he also guessed that she had the flu or something worse.

 

Because her close were all dirty, and stained, he grabbed a pair of sweats, and a t-shirt from his closet. They were really big on her, and the fact that she looked even skinnier since the last time he saw her didn’t help, but it was the best he could do at this moment, and he wanted to preserve whatever ounce of dignity she had left.

 

He lifted her up, and carried her to his bedroom. Placing her in his bed, he wrapped the covers around her small frame. She looked so small, and fragile, but he knew that she was anything but.

 

Steve stayed up the whole night just in case she woke up. “It’s going to be okay,” he said. “You’re going to be okay,” he whispered the few time she stirred from whatever was going on inside her head, but the truth was, nothing was okay, and it hasn’t been for a long time now.

 

_Were things ever going to be okay again?”_

 

Steve could only hope.

 

***

 

The first time she woke up, she was confused, and scared. Her first instinct was to run, or fight, but there was a soothing voice telling her that everything would be okay, so she let herself believe that – she so badly wanted it to be true.

 

Even while asleep, nightmares still haunted her thoughts. Everything hurt, and all she wanted was a few moments of peace to rest, but every time that happened, she saw a bright light that brought bad memories, and a burning pain in her head.  

 

Everything was too bright, but not clear enough at the same time, but every time she woke up, with a raw scream in the back of her throat, she heard that voice. “You’re going to be okay,” he said, and she could almost put a face to the voice, but it was too dark, and she was too tired, and weak, but she had hope, and that was a start.

 

***

 

_He was awoken by a phone call from one of the bartenders from a pub that he went too regularly because they had really good milkshakes. It was three in the morning, and he had just got a call that Natasha was really drunk, and needed to be picked up. So Steve threw on a gray workout sweater shirt over his pajama pants, and drove a few blocks to the pub._

_When he got there he saw Natasha sitting, barely, on a stool at the bar. She was downing shots like there was no tomorrow, and there were already a bunch of empty glasses scattered around her. She was dressed in the same thing he saw her leave SHIELD in – a brown leather jacket, and dark jeans._

_Steve walked up to her, nodding in thanks to the bartender, as he sat down next to her. She turned and looked at him, while lifting up anther glass. He noticed that her hand was shaking. Lifting the shot glass to her lips, Steve grabbed it out of her hand before she could drink it._

_“Nat, I think you’ve had enough,” he said._

_“What are you doing here?” she slurred._

_“It’s late, and I thought you might need a ride home,” he said._

_“I’m not leaving,” she stated firmly. “You may be able to tell me what to do at SHIELD, but not here. I make my own choices, it’s my decision, it was my decision, and it was my…” she slurred._

_“You’re right – you can decide to stay and get drunk until you can’t keep your eyes open, but as a friend, I’m telling you that it won’t help you forget,” Steve said._

_“I couldn’t save them,” she whispered, and he knew that she was talking about the mission now._

_“You can’t save everybody--,”_

_“Then what the hells the point?” she choked._

_“The point is, we do our job, and save who we can, because that’s all we can do, and no one can blame you for that, yourself included,” he said._

_That’s when some man came up to them mid conversation. He was tall, strong build, but he was very full of himself, and very drunk. “Is this man bothering you little lady?” he slurred in a southern accent._

_Natasha rolled her eyes, “No, we were just leaving actually,” she said, hiding the annoyance in her voice._

_“Don’t leave,” he whined. “Let’s get to know each other first,” he said sliding his hand down her waist, and that’s when Natasha clocked him across the face._

_There was a sickening crack sound, as the man yelped out, bringing his hands to his now bleeding face. “You bitch!” he shouted, attempting to punch her, but Steve caught his wrist before he could._

_“Bad idea, pal,” Steve said, shaking his head in disgust. The man tried to free himself from Steve’s grasp, but was failing._

_“Like I said,” Natasha stated, getting up from the bar stool. “We were just leaving,” she said, placing a fifty dollar bill on the counter, and strolling out of the bar._

_Steve let go of the man, and said, “You’re gonna want to see a doctor about that nose,” then he left as well._

_When he got outside, he saw Natasha leaning against the brick wall of the pub, breathing heavily into the night sky. “Sorry to get you involved in all of that,” she said._

_“Don’t mention it. The last time I was in a bar fight was back when I could get drunk, so it was kind of refreshing,” he said with a chuckle._

_“You’re a good man, Steve,” she said._

_“You must really be drunk if you’re saying good things about me now,” he smiled._

_“Just shut up, and drive me home,” she said, slightly swaying as she walked to his car._

_“That’s more like it,” Steve said._

_Natasha fell asleep in the car, so he let her crash at his apartment. She didn’t remember much when she woke up, but she had bruised knuckles, a headache, and quite the story from Steve as a reminder._

***

 

She remembered an explosion, and then nothing, but darkness. She remembered that face, that man, Captain America, Steve Rogers, or did she used to just call him Steve? She remembered a man telling people to “Wipe her,” and then she just remembered red.

 

_“Natasha – may I call you Natasha? How about Nat? Captain Rogers seemed very fond of that nickname,” Pierce said, and her heart sank. “You and him were friends, were you not?” he asked._

_“We were partners, nothing more. I trusted him—“_

_“But did he trust you? You are the great Black Widow, you eat men like him for breakfast, yet I saw the way he looked at you. With admiration, respect, maybe even something more, but trust was not on the list, I mean if you were such good friends, then why are you here right now, instead of him? Never leave a man behind, isn’t that what they teach you in the army?”_

Steve left her behind – he abandoned her, left her to die, and that’s why every time she closes her eyes, she sees things that don’t make sense, and can’t remember who the hell she is, or was made to be.

 

There was an anger growing deep inside of her. She wanted to hate Steve, but she couldn’t, and she didn’t know why, which just made her even angrier. He said that they were friends, then why did he leave her behind, why did this happen to her, and not him, and why was she the only one with so many questions, and no answers?

 

Why?

 

***

 

Steve woke up with a start. He remembered watching Natasha, making sure her fever broke, but he must have fallen asleep. He may have been a super soldier, but five days without sleep was starting to take its toll. He was emotionally and physically drained, and that said a lot coming from him.

 

All of a sudden he felt small hands around his neck. Opening his eyes, everything was dark, but that was just because it was after midnight. Steve didn’t know what was happening, but by the faint red hair that he could see due to the moonlight shining through the cracks in the widow curtains, he had a pretty good clue.

 

“Natasha, it’s me Steve… Steve Rogers,” he choked out, literally.

 

She wasn’t listening though. It was like they were back there on the helicarrier, except worse because he thought that he got her back this time. Her hands were growing tighter around his neck, as she squeezed the life out of him while hovering over him in his own bed.

 

“Y-you came to my apartment a few days ago hurt, and I tried to help you, remember?” he said, struggling to breathe.

 

“You left me!” she shouted. “We were partners – you told me we were friends, and promised everything would be okay, but you left me behind,” she said, her voice cracking, and even in the darkness, Steve could see the fire in her eyes.

 

The thing about fire though, is that it always dies out eventually, but not before burning everything in its path until there’s nothing but smoke left.

 

Steve felt guilty, guiltier then he thought it was possible for one to feel. It felt like a blender shredding up his insides, slowly, and painfully, but he knew that he deserved it. He would have been more than happy for her to just end it right now, but that would just make everything worse.

 

Natasha may have been able to choke him to death any other day, but right now she was still ill, and quite delirious, so Steve flipped then over, pinning her hands above her head. She struggled, but was no match for his strength.

 

“I hate you,” she cried, hot tears running down her face.

 

 _I hate me too,_ Steve thought.

 

“I don’t know who the hell I am, or what memories are real or fake, and it’s all just one lie after the other,” she said, painfully.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, his vision becoming blurry from the tears forming in his eyes. “I’m so, so, sorry. You didn’t have to help me, but you did anyway. Before everything, you asked me who I wanted you to be, and I said a friend, and I wish every day that I could have been a better friend to you,” he finished, but when he looked back down at Natasha, she had fallen asleep from exhaustion.

 

***

 

The next time Natasha woke up, no one mentioned what happened during that ungodly hour. Steve didn’t know if she even remembered it at all, but he couldn’t seem to get the image of her saying that she hated him out of his mind.

 

He would do anything to go back in time, and not leave her behind, but it didn’t work that way. Life didn’t work that way.

 

***

 

It had been about two weeks since she showed up at Steve’s apartment bloody, and broken, and another week since that incident at night. At least one of those things was fixed now. She was pretty out of it the first couple of days after her fever broke, but she slowly became more lucid, as time went on.

 

Her whole body was still really sore. The first few days, she could barely lift up a spoon to eat, and the constant nightmares didn’t help her gain her strength back any faster. Steve told her that she had the flu, and that was why she was so weak, but she knew there were things he wasn’t telling her. He never asked where she came from, that night she passed out in his bathroom, and she respected that. The truth was, she didn’t really know, more or less remember exactly what went on. All she remembered was getting shot, and then being really cold while walking really far.

 

Steve had went out to the market, to pick up some groceries that morning, so she had the apartment to herself. She was secretly thankful for the moment of solitude. Steve was kind of the definition of overprotective. She wondered if he was always like that, or just now because of…everything. He had been walking on eggshells ever since she screamed every fever induced thought to his face that night, while trying to strangle him. She said most of it out of anger, which was really the only thing that was her emotion to control – except that night, she said some things she regretted, but it was better to act like it never happened, and try to move forwards.

 

She didn’t really hate Steve. It was almost impossible to stay mad at him for long periods of time she learned, but she could never admit that to him.

 

She walked into the kitchen, then the living room, the study, and even the bathroom, which was clean from any remnants of her bleeding out in it not too long ago. Everything seemed familiar, yet she couldn’t quite describe it, like when you know that you lost something, but you just can’t remember where you last had it. It was a sucky feeling, but like many things, she was growing familiar to it.

 

She was in the study looking at his sketches when she heard the front door open. She froze, staring at a picture that looked a lot like her, but when she looked at the date, she knew it was drawn before her life became a mess. She decided that putting things in before and after categories would make it easier to sort out all the things she forgot, or remembered wrong. Right now things were going kind of slow.

 

“Nat? I brought you some stuff I think you’d like,” she heard him say from the kitchen, so she placed the sketch book down, and went to find out what he brought.

 

It took some getting used to, being called by her _real_ name and everything, and still every time she heard Steve call her Nat, or Natasha, or even Tasha sometimes, a part of herself would hear someone else being called, but that was her secret.

 

When she entered the kitchen, she saw him putting food away in the fridge. She also saw a box on the counter filled with stuff. “What’s in the box?” she asked.

 

“That’s what I wanted to show you,” Steve said, closing the fridge. He picked up the box, and walked over to the couch. She followed him, sitting down. He pulled out, what looked like a book, and handed it to her.

 

“ _Crime and Punishment_ ,” she read aloud. “What’s this have to do with anything?”

 

“It was your favorite book. I never knew why, but you were always reading it. I think you read it over ten times,” he said with a small smile.

 

She opened the cover. The pages were worn with use, but other than that, the book looked brand new. “Where’d you get this?” she asked.

 

“I stopped by your apartment, and brought everything I thought could help you remember,” he said. Before she could say anything, he handed her an Mp3 player, some movies with titles she didn’t recognize, and a sweatshirt. He noticed her eyeing the sweatshirt, and said, “It was mine, but I let you borrow it one night, and never got it back,” he said with a laugh.

 

“So are you taking it back?” Natasha asked.

 

“Nahhh, it looked a lot better on you,” he said, before he got up leaving her to do whatever she wanted with the stuff, _her_ stuff.

 

***

 

Steve walked into his study, when he saw his sketchbook laying open on his desk. It was open to a drawing of Natasha, one he’d drawn a while back, when they had just started working together. It was of her jumping off his shield. He smiled thinking back to it – the day he knew that nothing would ever be the same.

 

He closed the sketchbook, putting it away. When he walked back into the living room he saw Natasha with headphones in, forcefully reading _Crime and Punishment._ Steve shook his head smiling, and then went back to his study to work on a new sketch of Natasha.

 

He wasn’t erasing the old one, just making some adjustments because nothing last forever, and it was time to stop pretending that it did.

 

***

 

It was five o’clock, as they sat across from each other, at the dinner table, eating pasta. Natasha was looking down at her food, and Steve was doing the same. There wasn’t really much small talk to relax the mood.

 

The only noise was from the rain outside, and the metal forks tapping the plates as they ate in silence, but then Natasha said, “If it was down to me to save your life, and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?”

 

At first Steve was taken aback from this question. After everything that had happened, he never really thought about her saving his life, mainly because he did such a crappy job saving hers. But when he looked up from his plate, and saw her staring back at him with those green eyes, he saw something familiar, something that made his heart beat a little harder in his chest.   Steve couldn’t help but answer her.

 

“I would now,” he said. “And I’m always honest,” he said causing a small smile to form on her lips. It was just a small smile, but it was enough.

 

Steve went back to eating the food, and almost spit out his drink when he heard the words she muttered next.

 

“I forgive you,” she said.

 

He was lost for words, so he just stared at her with a questioning look on his face. How could she forgive him?

 

“Only to live. To live and live! Life whatever it may be!” Natasha quoted from the book. “You made a mistake, but I’ve made ten more for every one you have made. You’re a good man, Steve Rogers – a better man than you think, and I think that you deserve to be forgiven,” she paused taking his hand in her own, from across the table. “We can’t waste our days wishing we could go back and fix the bad ones, we can only keep on living,” she finished.

 

“You finished the book?” Steve asked, because he didn’t know what else to say.

 

She nodded, and went back to her food. She forgave him, but the question was, could he forgive himself?

 

***

 

_Natasha had showed up to Steve’s apartment one day unannounced. “We are going to the movies,” she stated, not giving him much of a chance to bail._

_Steve grabbed his coat, and left. She grabbed his arm, practically dragging him out of the apartment building, into her black corvette that awaited them. It was the week before Christmas, as he sat in her car, he looked at all the lights, and decorated trees all around. Christmas was one thing that never changed, and he liked that._

< _He turned on some festive music, earning a slap from Natasha, as she turned it right back off. “What do you have against Christmas carols?” Steve asked._

_“I will not allow that kind of music to be played in this car,” she said firmly._

_“It’s just a car,” he said back._

_“Don’t listen to the mean man. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Natasha said to her car, and Steve just shook his head._

_Once they made it to the mall, after Natasha tried multiple times to get Steve in as a senior citizen, they finally sat down just in time for the movie to start. They were seeing something called Frozen, but he’d never heard of it._

_Multiple times throughout the movie, Steve would look over at her, and see her mesmerized by the screen. Who would have thought the infamous Black Widow would love a children’s movie so much?_

_The movie ended, and Natasha made him swear he never told anyone that she enjoyed the movie. In return, Steve made her play Christmas songs on the way back to his place. He could see her mouthing some of the words to Jingle Bells out of the corner of his eyes._

_That year he found a cane under his Christmas tree, and it didn’t need a card for him to know who it was from._

 

***

 

"So this is it?” Natasha asked.

 

Steve was taking her apartment searching, now that she could live on her own. She picked a place about twenty minutes from his. It was in a brick building, not too small, but not too big.

 

“I guess it is,” Steve said, putting the last of her few boxes of belongings down.

 

Noticing the sad tone of his voice, Natasha said, “It’s not like this is the last you’ll ever see of me. Maybe we could go watch a movie soon. I hear Frozen is pretty good.”

 

He smiled, deciding not to tell her how they already saw that together. “Yeah, I think you’ll like it,” he said instead, heading towards the door. “Well I better get going.”

 

“I should probably start unpacking anyway,” she said.

 

“You have my number in case you need anything right?” he asked.

 

“It’s number one on speed dial,” she said with a laugh. “And not just because it’s one of the only numbers in my phone.”

 

“I’m not going to say goodbye because this isn’t goodbye, so I’ll just say, see you soon,” Steve said, walking out the door, with a wave.

 

“Steve!” Natasha yelled, making hi pause in the hallway. “Thanks…for everything.”

 

“Don’t mention it,” he said, and with that he left.

 

***

 

His apartment was quiet without her. To pass the time, he went on more jogs, some with Sam, and some alone, just to think. The truth was he missed her a lot. Even if most of her time spent in his apartment was spent in silence, or worry filled nights, it was okay, because she was there, but now it was like he was back at the beginning.

 

It was a few days after she moved out, and he had just come back from a run, when he noticed something lodged in the cushions of his couch. He realized it was a book, _her_ book.

 

Opening it, a note fell to the floor. Picking it up, Steve read: _Thought I could lend this to you, in return for the sweatshirt_ _J_

 

Steve stayed up all night reading.

 

***

 

Natasha was so bored out of her mind. She was laying it bed, when she heard a ‘meow’ coming from outside the window. Turning her head, she saw a black cat, staring back at her. “I can’t let you in, I’m sorry,” she said.

 

The next day, after coming back from the market, she saw the same cat, sitting on the steps outside the apartment building. “You’re still here.” said Natasha.

 

“This stray is sticking around thanks to you,” said her neighbor Anna, from her window.

 

“A lonely neighborhood for a cat, I suppose,” she said back.

 

“Yes, a lonely neighborhood for all creatures, but this one waits for you, I think,” Anna said.

 

That’s when she decided to name the cat. _Liho, an embodiment of evil fate and misfortune…perfect._

 

A few days later, she was just sitting out at her balcony, drinking a glass of wine, watching the stars go by. A faint memory of sitting on the hood of a car, looking up at the night sky, intruded her thoughts. She was lost in her head, until she heard a ‘Meow.’ Looking down, she saw Liho climb up onto the railing she was sitting on.

 

Petting her, she said, “I told you, I didn’t mind hanging out. I told you I’d feed you once in a while, but I’m not adopting you, and you can’t lick me,” but the cat just kept purring. “I’m serious. How could I even take care of a cat? Anyway, like I said, no confrontation. We’ll be okay as long as we’re okay, got it? You make this a thing and I’m going to get upset. Scratching, biting, whining at me, forget all of that,” she finished, but was pretty sure that whatever she said wouldn’t matter.

 

One day, Steve came over to check up on things. They had gone out to lunch at some pub with really good milkshakes, and were just getting back. Natasha was unlocking her front door, when the cat strolled by.

 

“You got a cat?” Steve asked.

 

“She’s not my cat,” Natasha said. “We have a mutual agreement -- I sometimes leave food outside my door, and she doesn’t lick me.”

Somehow, Steve knew it was more than a cat.

 

Eventually Natasha gave up, and let Liho inside one day. It takes so much effort to get close to someone, but sometimes you need someone else, even if that someone else is a stray cat.

 

***

 

Blinding light, so much red. Red, red, red, red, darkness.

 

She woke up covered in sweat, tangled in her sheets. Normally Natasha would go for a run, or forget about sleep entirely, but she was really tired, so she grabbed her phone, and decided to call Steve.

 

Not too long after, she heard a knock at her door. Opening it, she saw him standing there with a pack of beer, still dressed in his pajamas. He walked right in, setting the beer on the counter, handing her a can.

 

“You look like crap,” he said, as she opened the can.

 

“Thanks,” she muttered, taking a sip.

 

“Nightmares?” he asked, with a worried expression on his face.

 

But she didn’t answer the question. Instead she said, “Sorry for waking you up.”

 

“It’s okay. I’ve had a six pack in my fridge for so long, I’ve been waiting for a reason to drink it,” he responded.

 

She sat over on the couch, and he followed. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

 

“Tell me about the things they don’t put in the Captain America Exhibit,” she said.

 

“Well… they forget to mention how many fights I used to get in, they don’t give Dr. Erkinstine as much credit for making me who I am today, and sometimes I feel like they make it out to be some heroic journey, when really all it was, was war,” he finished.

 

“Now you can ask me something,” Natasha said.

 

“That night you showed up to my place, shot, and sick, why’d you come to me?” he asked.

 

“I don’t really know. All I remember after I escaped some basement filled with men asking me questions that I couldn’t answer, was walking in the woods, for miles, maybe days, and it was so cold, and I was bleeding, and tired. For a second I just laid down against a tree to rest, and when I closed my eyes, I kept seeing your face, and there was something about it that made me hold on, and I guess my conscious just led me back to you,” she said, looking down at her hands.

 

Steve stared back at her, and he couldn’t help the words that flew out of his mouth. “I love you,” he said.

 

“W-what?” Natasha stated, like she’s never heard those words in her entire life.

 

“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most,” he quoted from the book. “I know love is for children, and you don’t need to say it back, but I love you, all the good, the bad, the missing, and the gained,” he said.

 

“You finished the book?” she asked.

 

“Yeah, I can see why you liked it so much. It was a good--,”

 

“Just shut up, and kiss me,” she said interrupting him, and Steve Rogers always obeyed orders.

 

***

 

_It was July 4 th, Steve’s birthday, and he was at home doing nothing. Everyone was on missions, or press conferences, and that left him all alone to look at old black and white pictures, from back in the day. Natasha was on a mission, somewhere classified, and even though she was scheduled to come home today, he didn’t want to bother her. _

_Around nine o’clock, his phone started ringing. Looking at it, he saw that it was a video chat from Natasha. Pressing answer, her face popped up on the screen. She was still in her cat suit, and looked to be on the helicarrier on her way back. She had a nasty bruise on her cheek, but smiled none the less._

_“HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD MAN!!!!” she sang._

_“How’d the mission go?” he asked._

_“It was fine, went a little longer than expected, so I had to settle for surprising you via video chat,” she said._

_“What’s the surprise?” he asked. “Should I be worried?”_

_“Look in the second shelf in your fridge, behind the milk,” she said._

_Doing as she said, he opened the fridge, looked behind the milk, and found a vanilla cupcake, with red frosting, and blue sprinkles. “How did you sneak this in here?” he asked, smiling._

_“You really need better locks, and I have connections,” she said._

_“So you hired someone to break into my apartment, and hide a cupcake in my fridge. That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me,” he said laughing._

_“You’re welcome,” Natasha said. “Now stop being so pathetic, and go see some fireworks – it’s your birthday, and America’s birthday too, no need to spend it alone cooped up in your apartment.”_

_“Yes mam,” Steve responded sarcastically._

_Someone came into the view on the screen, and said that they needed her for debriefing. “I have to go, but just know I’m excepting an even better gift on my birthday,” she said._

_“You don’t even know when your birthday is,” he said back._

_“That’s your problem now,” she said, and with that she hung up._

_Steve ate the cupcake, suspiciously, because it was really good, and the only thing Natasha could cook was leftover fast food. Fireworks exploded in the night sky outside his window, and for once, he thought of the future instead of the past._

 

***

 

SHIELD may have been gone, but that didn’t mean that the Avengers were gone too. Hydra was still out there, and there came a time, when the world needed some heroes. It was Natasha’s first official mission back.

 

She was staring at her black cat suit, hung up on the wall, not a speck of use on it. She and Steve had been sparring a lot to get her back into mission shape, and while many of those encounters ended pleasurably with one of them on top of the other, some of them also brought back some bad memories. Natasha wanted to go out there and do to those Hydra soldiers what they did to her. She was a spy, and she knew that she could do it, she just didn’t know if she was ready to.

 

She heard the familiar footsteps of Steve, coming up from behind her. “Are you sure about this?” he asked, and that’s when she decided she was ready.

 

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.”

 

***

 

They were lying in bed, worn from the latest mission. The sun was rising, and they had just settled down to sleep.

 

“I love you,” Natasha whispered in a hoarse voice, and Steve had to strain his ears to hear her. At first he thought that he was dreaming, but then she said, “I love you, and I’m sorry I waited so long to say it.”

 

“I love you too,” Steve said back, and soon after, he heard her breathing even out besides him.

 

He was so tired, but all he could do was lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and think about everything that has happened this past year. After so long spent worrying, feeling guilty, lost, and ashamed, he felt all those emotions slowly lift off his shoulders. Things may never go back to the way they were before SHIELD fell, but maybe that was okay. She may wake up in the middle of the night from bad memories that haunt her dreams, and he may run for miles on end trying to force himself to adapt to this new world, but for now they both were okay, and that was all he could ever ask for. He promised that he would bring her home, and he did.

 

***

 

_“Who do you want me to be?” she asked._

_“How bout a friend?”_

 

***

_“Who the hell’s Natasha?”_

***

_“I’m not going to fight you,” he said, letting go of his shield, as it fell into the fiery abyss down below. “You are my friend,” he finished._

_Screaming, she dove into him. “You’re my mission,” she said, punching him in the face, one, two, three, four, five, more times than he could count._

_She raised her arm back, pausing, and Steve whispered, “Then finish it, cause I’m with you till the end of the line.”_

 

***

_“You left me!” she shouted. “We were partners – you told me we were friends, and promised everything would be okay, but you left me behind,” she said, her voice cracking, and even in the darkness, Steve could see the fire in her eyes._

***

 

_“You made a mistake, but I’ve made ten more for every one you have made. You’re a good man, Steve Rogers – a better man than you think, and I think that you deserve to be forgiven,” she paused taking his hand in her own, from across the table. “We can’t waste our days wishing we could go back and fix the bad ones, we can only keep on living,” she finished._

 

***

 

_“That night you showed up to my place, shot, and sick, why’d you come to me?” he asked._

_“I don’t really know. All I remember after I escaped some basement filled with men asking me questions that I couldn’t answer, was walking in the woods, for miles, maybe days, and it was so cold, and I was bleeding, and tired. For a second I just laid down against a tree to rest, and when I closed my eyes, I kept seeing your face, and there was something about it that made me hold on, and I guess my conscious just led me back to you,” she said, looking down at her hands._

***

_“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most,” he quoted from the book. “I know love is for children, and you don’t need to say it back, but I love you, all the good, the bad, the missing, and the gained,” he said._

***

_“I love you,” Natasha whispered in a hoarse voice, and Steve had to strain his ears to hear her. At first he thought that he was dreaming, but then she said, “I love you, and I’m sorry I waited so long to say it.”_

***

 

Steve finally forgave himself.

_***_

_“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this, you have made it to the end of the incredibly long fic. Thanks so much for reading, and don't forget to review and request:)


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